This Just In!

PACKOUT BRINGS UNEXPECTED, ODORIFEROUS SURPRISE

"I consider myself an experienced mover," said Rhonda Ames, spouse of Lockheed Special Projects Manager Randy Ames, who spoke on condition that her whereabouts not be revealed except that she is posted "in a southern region."

"You've got to believe me; I've never encountered this before. Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's a cultural difference, I don't know -- but these moving men just plain stunk." Because her apartment was not equipped with air conditioning, Ms. Ames coped by opening all the windows, putting fans in every room, and even turning on the stove's hood fan. But the problem remained.

"I mean, this wasn't ordinary body odor. This was unbelievable.. My neighbor came over with a bundt cake for the family and she couldn't even get past the door. When the kids came home from school, they started to chatter as they usually do, then took a whiff and just stopped cold. My 15-year-old daughter, Melissa, who's always been a little sensitive, had to run to the bathroom, that's how bad it was."

Unfortunately one of the packers had just used that particular bathroom, causing Melissa to immediately retch.

COLLARD GREENS AND GRITS UNTOUCHED AT TEXACO EXECS BUFFET

The invitation was gaily worded: "Come on over, y'all, for a down-home taste of the American South!" Dixieland music streamed from the CD player, the table was set with a bandanna tablecloth and napkins, and there was a thoughtful centerpiece of Spanish moss, intertwined with magnolia blossoms flown in from the States.

But Don and Maggie Owens of Texaco International still felt let down after their well-attended party for 100 contacts in Colombo, Sri Lanka.

"I know I should be happy that everything went off without a hitch, and people seemed to have a good time. But just look at those two serving plates there. Just look."

Mrs. Owens was referring, of course, to a plate of now cold and damp collard greens sprinkled with bacon bits, and a once-steaming bowl of grits, now sitting full with a pool of congealed butter in the middle.

"I went to a lot of trouble to make those Southern specialties, and do you know, not one guest even tried them? It hurts. It really hurts."

"Well, they loved the ribs and the pecan pie, honey," said Mr. Owens.. His voice sounded hollow.

"You know," he said later as his wife cleared the table, "Maggie and I do love the Sri Lankan people. They're great folks. But I wish they'd tried those grits and collard greens, just to make Maggie happy." He lowered his voice. "She's had a real hard time making the adjustment to living here, and this is going to set her back weeks. Weeks. Maybe months."

The Owens represent Texaco as part of a new initiative on the Asian subcontinent. They may be in Sri Lanka as long as five years.

In other news...

LOCAL NEWSPAPERS "NOT VERY TRUTHFUL," ASSERTS CANADIAN EMBASSY PRESS ATTACHE IN MINSK

MARINE "HAPPY HOUR" AT AMERICAN CONSULATE IN CHANGMAI TURNS UGLY

EXPATS IN ASHKABAT LAMENT: "THERE'S NOTHING TO DO BUT BUY CARPETS, CARPETS, CARPETS"

Our CYA message to our readers: Of course the above news items are fictional. Locations, names and companies are chosen randomly. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.