SCUM Issue Number Four

First Fly America Award Winners Announced
By "Lerikson"

Thadeus Jurgenson, first-time consular officer, his wife Nancy, and their family of four boys are the winners of the first annual Fly America Award for the greatest number of air miles flown en route to post on an American-flag carrier. The Jurgensons, who left Washington, D.C. in the summer of 1997 for Tajikistan, have been riding the wave of code-sharing and alliance-building in the airline industry ever since.

Contacted by jet phone about the award, Nancy enthused, "Our heads are spinning; but that could be the result of prolonged oxygen debt. We've just kept going on American carriers. Dushanbe is our first post, you know; and by the time we get there," she tittered, "it could be time to pack out."

"We hadn't even heard of the Fly America Act or the Fly America Award until our Admin Officer explained that -- for compelling reasons of national interest -- we had to fly as far as possible on an America-flag carrier, no matter what; that cost and inconvenience were immaterial; and that we might even have to fly to places we weren't going as long as we stayed on American-flag carriers. Once he explained the regulations, he said the rest was up to us."

Thad, who has overflown Dushanbe 12 times and who was to provide relief for an overworked Consular staff, has been put on leave without pay indefinitely. Nancy has begun home schooling en route. The boys, who occasionally manage to catch a glimpse of the family pet as he is shuttled from one cargo hold to another, are whey-faced but stalwart.

Still Thad remains optimistic. "I try to look on the bright side," he insists. "I've always liked to travel, we earn enough air miles every few days to upgrade and, except for the steady diet of chicken, we're doing OK!"

Al Lamen's "In the Coop"
(Reported by Jeff Jamison)

"The State Department has taken pride in attracting the 'best and brightest,'" chuckles Bartholomew "Bud" Slackman, before quipping, "Yeah -- like a black hole." Slackman is the Department's point-person for the new Officer's Own Promotion System, another personnel reform being given a test drive by the Department. Under this system -- called "Officer's Own" by Department officials in public but by its unfortunate acronym in State's corridors -- promotion decisions will be based on self-evaluations written by Foreign Service Officers themselves. Slackman defends the new program as a logical extension of the Department's new Alternative Exam Program (AEP), which relies on self-assessment for hiring decisions: "Retaining effective FSOs is as high a priority as recruiting new talent. The plan is nothing more than institutionalizing the role of self-promotion in our personnel system," contends Slackman, while another official noted that "officers remaining under the new system will by definition be the best and brightest, so get off our backs, will ya?"

The leadership of the American Foreign Service Association (AFSA), which expressed grave reservations about the AEP, threw up its hands and issued this comment: "In response to the continuing erosion of the integrity, credibility, and professional stature of the U.S. Foreign Service, we're going to go out and drink until we've completed enough self-evaluations to last our careers. The rest of you suckers are on your own."

IN THE NEWS
Compiled by Francesca Kelly

Econ Counselor 'Devastated' by DCM's Red Pen Marks on Draft Cable
Ordinarily, Economic Counselor Bruce Paymer's writing skills earn high marks from all who read his cables. But on Friday, August 13, the only marks his draft cable earned were red pen marks from DCM Susan Augustine.

"I'm simply devastated," mourned Mr. Paymer, interviewed via satellite phone from his post of Brussels, Belgium. "Nothing like this has ever happened before." Mr. Paymer went on to say that he had worked particularly hard on this cable and had been sure "it was a winner."

Ms. Augustine lost no time in defending her actions. "I understand that the red pen has serious implications, but I stand fully behind using it. There was simply nothing else I could do once I read Bruce's cable." Ms. Augustine further explained, "No one could argue that Bruce's writing isn't highly lyrical and evocative, with a fine sense of tone and a very personal, poetic style, demonstrating vivid and even surreal imagery. Unfortunately, however, these qualities aren't necessarily desirable in a cable about the Belgian cheese market."

Mr. Paymer says he will try to go on as before, but concedes "it will be difficult to get my old enthusiasm back."

Pet Cat Devours Pet Bird in Bizarre Airline Incident
[Warning: some material may be upsetting to children.]

When the Charles Jones family arrived at JFK International Airport after a long journey from Kathmandu, they had a shock awaiting them. One of their family pets, a small yellow canary named Tweetie, was no longer in its cage. And, in a bizarre turn of events, evidence points to the same family's black and white cat having killed and eaten the bird.

"There were bright yellow feathers scattered throughout Tweetie's cage, and two or three in Sylvester's carrier," reported Mrs. Jones, who was grim but dry-eyed. "Plus, I notice Sylvester seems so much calmer and happier this time, when usually he's a nervous wreck in his carrier. It all points to the unthinkable."

Her husband, Charles "Chuck" Jones, tried to look on the bright side. "Well, at least we didn't have to pay extra customs and vet fees for the bird. And we needn't have worried about Sylvester starving on the long flight. He did just fine." He paused. "Of course, the kids are pretty upset."

Airline officials say it is still unclear how the bird managed to get out of its cage, although a few of the bars were bent, and a small pair of pliers, like those used by airline technicians, was found loose in the cargo hold. To further add to the mystery, the cat was in his locked carrier upon arrival.

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(Note: The SCUM is pure fiction. Anyone who can't figure that out doesn't have the right to sue us anyway. Thank you.)