SCUM Issue Number Three

Shakespeare was a Foreign Office Spouse
By Fritz Galt

Many academics and highbrow theatre goers over the years have marveled at William Shakespeare's superhuman grasp of the English language, his implausibly huge vocabulary, his grasp of geography, history, medicine, and politics, not to mention his intuitive understanding of the very basics of human nature.

Recent findings by a team of academics at Reed College has determined that in fact, William Shakespeare was not two or more people, nor was he Sir Francis Bacon writing pseudonymously. He was, in fact, a British Foreign Office spouse.

Who else but a diplomatic spouse, the team argued persuasively in a 1300 page discourse to be published later this year, could have gleaned so many trivial facts, yet had such a strong overall sense of the world?

Take some stunning examples of his tremendous knowledge of geography. His plays range from Verona (Romeo and Juliet) to Venice (The Merchant of Venice) to tropical islands (The Tempest) to Denmark (Hamlet). Specific details from these plays prove that he had not only visited these sites, but knew them intimately. For example: How else would he have known that Brutus had planned to stage his assassination during the Ides of March, as the Ides of March occurred in Rome on an odd Tuesday that particular year, giving birth to the famous pun "It Tues, Brutus?"

Look at his grasp of historical events, necessary for understanding life overseas: Not only was he keenly aware of the details surrounding Caesar's stabbing, but he may have even witnessed King Richard's madness, Cleopatra's charm, and Adonis' beauty.

From Shakespeare's writings, doctors can definitively state that he could mend a wound, heal a bruised psyche, and cure a witches' brew of black magic without the aid of a licensed practitioner or hospital.

His familiarity with the politics of many nations at one time could only be trivia relevant to one who lived abroad. Take for example, his delicate treatment of Romeo and Juliet's family feud. "Only someone well versed in seeing all sides of every issue could have given both families equal treatment," said one researcher.

The final, most convincing proof was William Shakespeare's deep understanding of the human psyche. Nobody could have felt the loss of a parent more deeply (as in Hamlet), expressed more lovingly the adoration of a separated child (as in King Lear), or fought a woman more jealously (as the Dark Woman of the Sonnets), than a spouse.

"Furthermore, in those days, only men were diplomats," one researcher pointed out. "So it stands to reason that Shakespeare had to have been a woman."

Extant documents from the life and times of William Shakespeare quickly collaborated this latest theory. "William" (or "W" as she signed most documents) was in fact a shortened form of "Wilhelmina" and "Shakespeare" (or "S'pe" as she preferred to write her surname) was in reality an abbreviation for the common appellation "Spouse."

Further digging uncovered the fact that her husband was a distinguished ambassador for the Crown, named "Sir Flynte Steine," who served, apparently with his spouse, in various postings in Europe and Africa.

"It seems strange," said one researcher who wishes to remain Anon, "that we now have to reprint the covers of all of her works from "Henry V" to "Much Ado About Nothing" with the actual name "Wilhelmina Flynte Steine, Spouse."

STATE DEPARTMENT ANNOUNCEMENT:

New Security Standards Implemented
By Patricia Linderman

The Bureau of Diplomatic Security has announced new standards for those seeking "Top Secret" or higher clearances. In some cases, applicants have been discovered crossing their fingers and even their toes during the administration of oaths. To avoid this problem in the future, all applicants must now place both hands in full view and remove their shoes and socks while swearing oaths.

Another change involves background documentation. From now on, certified copies of the applicant's nursery school and kindergarten evaluations must be included with the "Questionnaire for Sensitive Positions" (Form ICU-00). Numerous reports of improprieties have come to the attention of the Bureau involving persons with past histories of being "restless during nap time." The Bureau hopes to weed out such persons before they commit future security violations.

Finally, a new format has been instituted for the swearing of oaths. After swearing an oath, all applicants will be required to say "Cross my heart and hope to die." Any person refusing to say these words will henceforth be barred from areas designated "Members Only, Girls Keep Out."

Teenage Daughter Says "Chose: Tajikistan or Me!"
By Francesca Kelly

Ashley Clayton, 16-year-old daughter of FSOs Alison and Roger Clayton, has given her parents an ultimatum, upon learning that the family's next assignment will be Dushanbe, Tajikistan. "I told them, like, are we ever going to live in America? You know, our own country?" Ms. Clayton made the decision to return to America for good late Saturday night, after pondering her family's previous postings in Honduras, Ethiopia, Rwanda and Romania. "They can go ahead and just GO to Tajikistan if they want to, but no way am I going with them. I'm so tired of these weird-ass, funky countries!" Ms. Clayton added that most likely the first thing she will do upon returning to America is go to a mall.

Woman Shoots Colleague in Community Board Meeting
By Francesca Kelly

Shirley Racine, a Foreign Service spouse posted to Lusaka, Zambia, seriously wounded Dirk Gibbs, a political officer, at a community recreation board meeting last Thursday. Both were longstanding members of the board. According to sources, Mr. Gibbs and Ms. Racine got into a heated argument about playground equipment. "Shirley has long wanted the rusted-out carousel on our playground replaced with this fun rubber tire climbing thingee," said Abigail McNaughton, another board member who witnessed the shooting. "And Dirk thought the carousel should be left there and the money spent on a Baby Bop and Barney see-saw instead. They've argued about this for weeks." Added Ralph Fleet, who also attended the meeting, "We knew this was a hot issue. But we never dreamed it would turn violent like that." Mr. Gibbs is in serious but stable condition. Ms. Racine was unavailable for comment.

Foreign Service Spouses Worldwide Grit their Teeth in Preparation for Official July 4 Receptions
By Francesca Kelly

Florence Capshaw, spouse of political officer Randall Capshaw in Wellington, New Zealand, sighed as she hung her newly dry-cleaned July 4th outfit in her car. Although the Ambassador's Residence will be gaily decorated, and Mrs. Capshaw's red silk suit with white blouse and Hermes blue silk scarf is the epitome of festive patriotism, Mrs. Capshaw nevertheless has been dreading the reception.

"I don't know what's the matter with me this year," Mrs. Capshaw confessed as she took a moment to look over her engraved invitation. "Maybe I've just been to too many of these things. Each year I honestly hope it will be different: that there will be really good gourmet food or a deep conversation about Wittgenstein with someone I didn't know well before. But every year it's the same as the year before, and the year before that, and the year before that. Just a huge crowd of hot, sweaty people frantically searching for their contacts."

Mrs. Capshaw lowered her voice and looked around quickly. "Sometimes I just want to stay home and pretend I'm sick. Either that or go to the reception, get reeling drunk and go to bed with a complete stranger in one of the Ambassador's upstairs bedrooms." She paused, then laughed nervously. "Just kidding! Of course I didn't mean that. This is off the record, right?"

(Note: The SCUM is pure fiction. Anyone who can't figure that out doesn't have the right to sue us anyway. Thank you.)