SCUM Issue Number One

Join Us in our Fight for Freedom!

It's called SCUM, and it stands for Spouses' Covert Undercover Magazine. Foreign Service spouses, mad as hell and not willing to take it any more, are mobilizing for covert military action in the near future. Projects underway include:

Secret purchase and distribution of arms, ranging from small hand guns to sophisticated weaponry. Stories are already pouring in:
"They wanted me to escort Co-Del spouses on a local shopping tour until they saw the Colt .45 in my handbag."

"Since I installed the surface-to-air missiles in our dining room, I haven't been asked to entertain guests again, and most nights even my husband no longer wants a home-cooked meal. Thank you, SCUM!"

Secret para-military training exercises deep in the heart of Virginia, which you attend while you are supposedly at the AAFFSW Monthly Coffee or a seminar on rental properties at OBC. We have people who will cover for you.

Gradual replacement of spouses with life-like androids, ready and eager to undertake pack-outs, medical claims, PTA board meetings, and other spouse-like tasks while you collect a separate maintenance allowance in Laguna Beach.

A virtual Mafia of spouses, a network on whom you can depend to "take care of" many previously unsolvable problems, with just a quiet word from you (and a cash payment in unmarked bills.) Who says there are no jobs for us overseas?

Join the newest and most effective organization of spouses yet. They'll never call you a "dependent" again!

Hail of Bullets

As told to Fritz Galt by J. Leonid Sachin

The late J. Leonid Sachin was one of the world's foremost authorities on firearms. Have you ever wondered what happens to the bullets that are fired into the air as part of a celebration in certain countries? Here are Dr. Sachin's replies to Harvard students' queries on that subject.

Question:

I live in a country where people empty automatic weapons into the sky whenever there's a celebration. What happens to the bullets? Isn't this dangerous?

Answer:

Shooting guns into the sky is not necessarily dangerous. I'll offer you some examples.

If you hit a cloud, the bullet comes down as harmless rain. This is otherwise known as cloud seeding, a proven technique to create rain before hail forms.

If you shoot above a ski resort on a crowded day, it will create an avalanche. This prevents the deaths of far more skiers than the number of skiers you might actually hit with the bullet.

As a former advisor to Mr. Saddam Hussein, I was asked this very question.

"Nid," he said. We were on close terms. "I don't have clouds and I don't have snow. I always wondered what happened to bullets I shoot into the air above a gathering of supporters at a victory celebration."

"Sad," I said. "May I call you Sad? If you shoot bullets into the air over Baghdad, orbiting U.S. spy satellites might crash into Iran."

As a result, from the very start of the Gulf War, he shot millions of tracer bullets and cluster bombs into the sky over Baghdad, raising the number of casualties far beyond what the cruise missiles and guided missiles could have accomplished. For this reason, I received the Congressional Medal of Honor, In Capacita Mentalia.

If you observe the proper precautions, emptying a rifle into the air can be a perfectly safe pastime.

Just be aware that if a falling bullet hits you, it will bore a hole straight down your spine, from skull to heels.

Remember these safety tips:

When faced with falling bullets, form the smallest possible target you can. Stand up straight, point your toes inward, put your hands in your pockets, open your mouth wide and, to create an opening in your throat, scream at the top of your lungs.

Or, you could shoot back. Send up another bullet to smash into the incoming bullet. For that matter, to increase your chances of hitting a bullet that's heading straight down at you, fire a round of bullets as I'm showing you now straight up into the air to intercept…(inaudible)

This excerpt is taken from J. Leonid Sachin's audiotaped lecture and demonstration presented before the Administration Building on Harvard Yard shortly before his death in 1999.

Foreign Service News from Around the World
Compiled by Francesca Kelly

ROBERTO BENIGNI NAMED SEC GEN OF NATO

In a surpise move, Roberto Benigni was named the new Secretary General of NATO, a strategy analysts say will improve NATO's image and shore up support from NATO's wavering ally, Italy, even as bombs are flattening the Yugoslav countryside. Mr. Benigni, still riding high after winning two Academy Awards, lost no time in holding a press conference minutes after he was appointed to the highly visible role. "I just wanna bomba, bomba, bomba everybody!" he exclaimed gleefully, waving his arms and jumping up on the press table to make his point. "You know, people all over the world are united in watching television! First, the Oscars, and now, the airstrikes! La vita e bella!"

DCM'S WIFE GETS DRUNK AT HER OWN RECEPTION.

Rebecca Long Fairchild, wife of DCM Richard Fairchild, became, as one former friend put it, "fall-down drunk" at her own reception for 75 guests and "embarrassed herself and almost everyone there." Mrs. Fairchild, presently posted to Ankara where the mishap took place, allegedly consumed four martinis, insulted several guests, pulled down the top of her strapless red gown to illustrate a point she was trying to make about breast implants, then careened across the room for several long seconds, finally crashing into the bar and landing headfirst into a full antique silver punchbowl. When asked how he would describe Mrs. Fairchild, a Western diplomat who had attended the party would only say, "One word: shit-faced. Well, okay; one hyphenated word."

SPOUSE POSTED TO ISTANBUL IS THRILLED TO BE "SPECIAL FRIEND" OF CARPET DEALER

Anne Medina, a spouse posted to the U.S. consulate in Istanbul, Turkey, had the thrill of her life last Wednesday when she became a "very special friend" of Covered Bazaar carpet merchant Ahmet Sevioglu. "You know, I almost started to cry, I was so touched," say Mrs. Medina, who ended up buying a large Hereke carpet for $6,000. "He sat me down and brought me a nice cup of tea, and then, after we'd chatted for awhile, he told me that just because I was his special friend -- in fact, I think he actually used the term, very special friend -- he would let me have this priceless carpet for less than he himself actually paid for it!" Mrs. Medina plans to see much more of her new buddy. "It's just a wonderful thing when people of two such different countries can strike up a meaningful friendship," she remarked. Mr. Sevioglu says his friendship with Ms. Medina means a lot to him too. "I told her to come and visit me any time she wants, and to bring her other friends too." Ms. Medina's husband, Al, who in his wife's words, "works a gazillion hours a day," was unavailable for comment.

FBI PROBES MELISSA, PAPA AND SOLARPOWER VIRUSES

While the Melissa and Papa computer e-mail viruses have clogged corporate, network, and government computers across the United States, a deadly new virus has spread over the nation's borders.

The "solarpower" virus has been reportedly opened and propagated around the world, causing the inboxes in diplomats' and expats' computer software to burgeon out of control with seemingly friendly messages.

"We aren't yet completely certain, but it seems as if terrorists have accessed personal, even classified e-mail addresses!" exclaimed a counter-terrorist official at the US National Security Agency. The FBI has only one workable lead: an anonymous phone call placed from a payphone. Background noise suggested an overseas location, but the two-word message - "April Fool" - did not last long enough to trace the call. "We are still trying to make sense of the message," said an FBI spokesman.

(Note: The SCUM is fiction. Got that? Fiction. Nothing is true. Don't sue us, because we have no money. Thank you.)

Have a glorious April Fool's Day!